Recently on ABC’s Australian Story, Nick Cave said these words “we become creatures of loss as we get older”. This is a concept I have been coming to terms with over the last few years. I’m sitting here on the third anniversary of holding mum’s hand and stroking her hair as she passed away. Mum was the last of the three matriarchs who I grew up with. I lost my first boyfriend 6 weeks before mum passed and my cousin 6 months after. I have had a long period of sadness and grief.

At the same time I have been going through menopause, managing a struggling business, I have lost friends and much of my sense of identity. This has been a period of death and rebirth. I am not special when it comes to grief; we all experience it, this is just my observations.

Recently in his Red Hand Files which I highly recommend reading for inspiration (essentially he answers letters online on many topics including some really intense emotional letters on grief), Nick Cave recently gave this answer to someone who has recently lost their 16 year old son, he had ended his own life in response to one of those awful online scams, such a tragic story. I read this through my tears and thought that there was so much wisdom in it. I have always enjoyed Nick Cave’s music but always thought he was a bit of a self-important rock star (from a distance, I don’t know him personally). I see now that he has been humbled and softened by life and by grief (losing two sons over the past few years).

This is just part of Nick’s reply to this parent:

“But I want to say something, and even though it will doubtless mean little to you at this moment, I hope in time you will look back and know I spoke a kind of truth. Some years have now passed since the loss of my own sons, and though gone from this world, I have come to understand that they still travel with me – they are with me now – but more than that, they have become the active participants in a slow but certain awakening of the spirit. It saddens me deeply that they never lived their own full lives, but though I would give anything to have them back, these departed souls ultimately served as a kind of saving force that revealed the world to Susie and me as a thing of outrageous beauty. I have found my relationship to the world enriched in a way that I never dreamed possible. I know this to be true, but I also know it is a truth beyond understanding in your time of fresh grief, and so I say these things with extreme caution and pray it doesn’t come across as a kind of glibness uttered into your despair.”

It is worth reading the whole post here: https://www.theredhandfiles.com/not-a-question-at-all/

I am learning that loss is a doorway to transformation; some people become hard and more rigid in response to loss, which is very understandable, however I believe this hardness leaves you quite brittle, less resilient and more stuck. Watching Nick soften has been intriguing and inspirational; I think that is why so many people are drawn to him. Let me just say; I have no judgement towards anyone and how they respond to grief and loss, it is very personal. This is just an exploration on the topic.

I talk to people every day who are dealing with loss, whether it be loss of a loved one, loss of their health, loss of their independence, loss of their expectations or dreams for their life, loss of feeling safe, loss of identity and much more.

Nick is right, we do become creatures of loss as we get older; loss is part of life, an important part of life. A big part of life is learning to live with the knowledge of impermanence, nothing stays the same; change is the only constant.

There is a certain braveness in having experienced loss and ultimately; in your own time, re-engaging with the world in a changed and more vulnerable state. Nick is also right when he says that living with this acute awareness of the fleetingness and frailty of life can inspire you to see more beauty, have more gratitude and be less afraid to engage in the world and live life.

Nick recently referred to the Red Hand Files as “an ever-expanding and robustly vulnerable community of soul-barers”. He says “The Red Hand Files have become a quietly instructive influence over the way I try to live my life, which is openly and with curiosity. They are a kind of existential condition, a means by which to navigate the world, a way to be.”

I am trying to live my life with purpose, and figure out where I belong, this has meant learning to be curious being vulnerable and be open to change. We will see where this leads…..

Thanks for the inspiration Nick!